Searching

Ever feel like you are constantly searching, but you don't know what you're searching for? That is how I am right now. My postpartum depression, or just depression, is flaring up. I'm not happy, second guessing myself constantly, and thinking that I need and can do better. I'm wanting to do more, but also feel like I am struggling doing what I'm doing. I want to add more to my plate thinking (irrationally, I'm sure) that with adding more it will help force me to be better with my time and actions. I mean if I have more pressing deadlines and things it will make me work harder right?

I feel disorganized in my thinking and life at the moment. I love being a mom, and I love my kids. I wonder though, if there is more for me. Maybe I'm wishing away my babies years to get to the next step, maybe in 5 years I will look back and regret feeling this way. Right now though I just feel lost. I have 3 kids that are 3 (7 months) yr, 19 months and almost 7 months, I don't get a lot of adult time other than with my husband. My day consists of keeping these 3 little crazy kids happy, fed, hydrated, napped, and alive. Yes, I know that is a big job and in the grand scheme of things fulfilling, but on the daily it isn't always. For the past 7 years my life has revolved around getting pregnant and raising kids. Now, I understand that I can totally come off as whiney and ungrateful. I will tell you that I'm not. I just learning how to keep my self sane in this crazy chaos world full of love and sticky kisses, any trying to find something that can be for me but benefit my family.

So what keeps coming into my thoughts is maybe I should get a job, maybe I should sell something. I have tossed ideas around in my head, then talked with my husband. He is always super supportive of me, and I wondered if he would tell me how he really feels and his thoughts. I'm happy to say that he did. He doesn't want me to get a job and work out of the house, that is no surprise to me as he never has. He is open to me working from home, selling essential oils or pampered chef or something. I like that I have his support and honesty. He also thinks that I should start a blog that deals with postpartum depression, pcos and raising 3 little ones... I like his idea on that and will expand. ;)

I have had Young Living essential oils since May of 2014, I got into them because I had previously dealt with postpartum depression with my oldest. I was 3 months postpartum with my second and needed more energy and something to help with feeling down on myself and headaches. What I didn't know is that month I would get pregnant with my baby girl Martie-Jo. So the oils helped me when my mood wasn't the best, when headaches came, and the wonderful morning sickness. They were very beneficial to me. I have continued to use them and help my family fall in love with them. Last night I shared a picture of my diffuser and a combo of oils that when I'm feeling anxious and down, this combo makes the room feel lighter and helps me feel more stable. Its orange, peppermint, and white angelica. Anyway I had a few people comment and had many likes on the picture and it got me thinking that if I step a bit out of my comfort zone and just share what works for me, how the oils help my family, that I can give others the opportunity to use them and explore for themselves. It sounds like a great opportunity for all. So I took the first step and contacted the woman I am signed up under to get guidance and go from there. In reality I don't know 100% what to expect and I don't know if I will be successful, but I believe that this is my opportunity to try.

Wow 4 years!

Well It's been a while... you know just 4 years. A lot has happened in that 4 years. After my last post I got pregnant the next cycle! I have a 3 year old boy that was born in February 2012. After his birth I struggled with Post Partum Depression (PPD) for about 10-12 months. When he was 15 months old I got pregnant again, and we have another boy that was born in February 2014. I don't really think I had PPD with him, but its hard to tell. We had a wonderful surprise when he was 4 months old and we found out that we were 4 weeks pregnant! I wasn't on any special medication to get pregnant. I guess it's true that you are more fertile right after birth. So with new pregnancy hormones and still post partum hormones I did struggle more with depression with the last pregnancy. I was learning how to be a mom to 2 and I was pregnant with number 3, so thing were really crazy. We now have a baby girl that is currently 5 months old and was born in February 2015. So yes 3 pregnancies ending in February! It's a good month, my birthday is in February along with my niece, uncle, and 3 cousins. Between my 3 kids and my lovely niece my family has birthday parties every weekend. :) I do have PPD this time. I still feel, I am, as well as my family of 5, is learning how to be a family of 5 with 3 kids 3 and under.

We have been through a whirlwind the past 4 years with lots of changes. That is probably my main reason for the lack of posts and forgetting about the blog. I'm excited to start sharing again. With the changes in my life and family I'm pretty sure my choices of posts will change. I feel I will be sharing about my struggle with PPD, my mission to get fit and healthy with making a whole life change, my life and views as a mom, the struggle to learn how to juggle it all, and just anything else that I want to share. I don't have a real structure idea for the blog, so I'm just going to go with what feels right. I invite you to share in my story and my journey through motherhood.

Temperatures can predict the future?

***Fertility Issues Discussed***

Okay, well not REALLY predict the future as in your going to get a raise or win the lottery. I'm talking about my temperature charts of my morning, waking, temps. (BBT Chart) When I first started trying to get pregnant my sister told me to take my temp every morning and when it jumps it means I ovulated. Then after a couple months I could possibly see a pattern of my cycles. I didn't listen to her because my cycles were so out of wack anyway I didn't think it would help, and it may or may not had. I started seeing a fertility doctor last July and then really didn't tell me to start then either, so I didn't. A couple of months ago when they put me Clomid, which is suppose to help you ovulate, I started charting my temps. I just finished my 3rd cycle on clomid, with no success, but I could tell that I wasn't pregnant even before my period came because my temperatures were dropping. This was upsetting, but it made the shock of my period better.

So now where does this leave us? Well I'm not 100 % sure. After 10 months of seeing a fertility doctor, countless tests, a surgery, more tests, drugs, drugs that made me crazy at times, I'm still not pregnant and am going to the doctors for a follow up. I go on Wednesday, and am anxious! I've been told that the doctor will look over my cycles (I guess my temp charts) and then discuss what he thinks we should do next. I have a feeling its not going to be another round of Clomid, but hormone injections and then probably and IUI. From what I understand an IUI is where they take his swimmers and directly insert them into my uterus. The other fun part (1st fun part being getting more hormones) is we not get to start paying for procedures. It will suck a lil bit, but it will be worth it in the end. I believe that with having a follow up and learning what to do next that we will have a cycle off drugs for assistance, but I'm believing that it doesn't take our chances down any less to get pregnant this month, the stress will be off so who knows. I'm trying very hard to stay positive. I know that we will be parents one day, and great ones at that.

On a side note, Husband is back to work! He is working stupid hours that keep me up late at night and sleeping late. He goes in late afternoon and gets home early morning around 4. I have a hard time sleeping when he isn't home so I stay up late doing whatever and then go to bed. It works out because they I can sleep most the night with him, but sucks when I have to do things in the morning. Even though his hours suck, he gets paid well and is getting overtime. Which is a nice thing, especially knowing that we more than likely are going to have to pay to get a child. So that takes off one less stress, or makes it smaller at least.

The Blog that started it all...

I've been thinking about starting a blog, but didn't know if I could really do it. I've been searching online for quilt ideas and in return I get sent to peoples blogs. They inspire me to work on more projects, and to share them projects with others.

Then that got me thinking....What would I blog about? I enjoy baking and am wanting to cook more real home cooked meals. I thought that I could share my favorite recipes and things that turned out well. I also like to sew, and quilt, so like many others I can share my project. Then I am currently dealing with fertility issues. I hate saying that I have INfertility issues because it seems so never ending and negative. I know that I will eventually get a baby, and that my family will continue to grow. Then I figure I can eventually write about my family and kids. Writing for me is a calming experience, and I hope my experiences can inspire others.

So, after thinking about all the things I could blog about, I decided that I will and throw all the topics into one blog. That is how I've ended up here.

My goals for this blog is hopefully for it to be a up lifting experience. I want to share any food that I make that I think deserves to be taken noted. The food may be fun to make, delicious, look pretty, and hopefully all of that and more. I want to share my creativity with others, I want to share my projects, both craft and food. I'm hoping that with me sharing with others, will push me to do more projects. I feel that fertility issues, are some what hush hush, yes its a very personal topic. Even though its personal doesn't mean that it doesn't need to be talked about. I mean there are many people dealing with it and silently, I tend to be the not so quite one at times. I am not, and do not claim to be an expert by any mean! I just want to share my story. I feel at least of me that writing about it makes it easier for me to deal with. I am however, on my 3rd round of fertility drugs and am hoping that very soon I will no longer just be waiting for a baby.

So with all of that, a somewhat introduction into my world, I hope you continue in reading my story of my life as a modern day 50's housewife.