Searching

Ever feel like you are constantly searching, but you don't know what you're searching for? That is how I am right now. My postpartum depression, or just depression, is flaring up. I'm not happy, second guessing myself constantly, and thinking that I need and can do better. I'm wanting to do more, but also feel like I am struggling doing what I'm doing. I want to add more to my plate thinking (irrationally, I'm sure) that with adding more it will help force me to be better with my time and actions. I mean if I have more pressing deadlines and things it will make me work harder right?

I feel disorganized in my thinking and life at the moment. I love being a mom, and I love my kids. I wonder though, if there is more for me. Maybe I'm wishing away my babies years to get to the next step, maybe in 5 years I will look back and regret feeling this way. Right now though I just feel lost. I have 3 kids that are 3 (7 months) yr, 19 months and almost 7 months, I don't get a lot of adult time other than with my husband. My day consists of keeping these 3 little crazy kids happy, fed, hydrated, napped, and alive. Yes, I know that is a big job and in the grand scheme of things fulfilling, but on the daily it isn't always. For the past 7 years my life has revolved around getting pregnant and raising kids. Now, I understand that I can totally come off as whiney and ungrateful. I will tell you that I'm not. I just learning how to keep my self sane in this crazy chaos world full of love and sticky kisses, any trying to find something that can be for me but benefit my family.

So what keeps coming into my thoughts is maybe I should get a job, maybe I should sell something. I have tossed ideas around in my head, then talked with my husband. He is always super supportive of me, and I wondered if he would tell me how he really feels and his thoughts. I'm happy to say that he did. He doesn't want me to get a job and work out of the house, that is no surprise to me as he never has. He is open to me working from home, selling essential oils or pampered chef or something. I like that I have his support and honesty. He also thinks that I should start a blog that deals with postpartum depression, pcos and raising 3 little ones... I like his idea on that and will expand. ;)

I have had Young Living essential oils since May of 2014, I got into them because I had previously dealt with postpartum depression with my oldest. I was 3 months postpartum with my second and needed more energy and something to help with feeling down on myself and headaches. What I didn't know is that month I would get pregnant with my baby girl Martie-Jo. So the oils helped me when my mood wasn't the best, when headaches came, and the wonderful morning sickness. They were very beneficial to me. I have continued to use them and help my family fall in love with them. Last night I shared a picture of my diffuser and a combo of oils that when I'm feeling anxious and down, this combo makes the room feel lighter and helps me feel more stable. Its orange, peppermint, and white angelica. Anyway I had a few people comment and had many likes on the picture and it got me thinking that if I step a bit out of my comfort zone and just share what works for me, how the oils help my family, that I can give others the opportunity to use them and explore for themselves. It sounds like a great opportunity for all. So I took the first step and contacted the woman I am signed up under to get guidance and go from there. In reality I don't know 100% what to expect and I don't know if I will be successful, but I believe that this is my opportunity to try.

Wow 4 years!

Well It's been a while... you know just 4 years. A lot has happened in that 4 years. After my last post I got pregnant the next cycle! I have a 3 year old boy that was born in February 2012. After his birth I struggled with Post Partum Depression (PPD) for about 10-12 months. When he was 15 months old I got pregnant again, and we have another boy that was born in February 2014. I don't really think I had PPD with him, but its hard to tell. We had a wonderful surprise when he was 4 months old and we found out that we were 4 weeks pregnant! I wasn't on any special medication to get pregnant. I guess it's true that you are more fertile right after birth. So with new pregnancy hormones and still post partum hormones I did struggle more with depression with the last pregnancy. I was learning how to be a mom to 2 and I was pregnant with number 3, so thing were really crazy. We now have a baby girl that is currently 5 months old and was born in February 2015. So yes 3 pregnancies ending in February! It's a good month, my birthday is in February along with my niece, uncle, and 3 cousins. Between my 3 kids and my lovely niece my family has birthday parties every weekend. :) I do have PPD this time. I still feel, I am, as well as my family of 5, is learning how to be a family of 5 with 3 kids 3 and under.

We have been through a whirlwind the past 4 years with lots of changes. That is probably my main reason for the lack of posts and forgetting about the blog. I'm excited to start sharing again. With the changes in my life and family I'm pretty sure my choices of posts will change. I feel I will be sharing about my struggle with PPD, my mission to get fit and healthy with making a whole life change, my life and views as a mom, the struggle to learn how to juggle it all, and just anything else that I want to share. I don't have a real structure idea for the blog, so I'm just going to go with what feels right. I invite you to share in my story and my journey through motherhood.